Thought of the Day

So, today is day three? Who knows. Either way, the thought on my mind today is, "I wonder if he'll think he's made a mistake and try to get me back into his life?" I know, I know, this probably will not happen, but I think it's part of this natural, "My boyfriend broke up with me, I'm heartbroken," experience I'm going through right now. I've been talking to lots of my friends lately and most have been great, and some, not so much. I don't want or need to hear that he's not awesome or that I could do better, really, I'm still in love with him...It's only been a few days, and I know that I will always defend him because he was constantly really good to me, and for me.

I know that I don't need him in my life. I lived before I dated him, and I will definitely live for a good while after, but that doesn't make this easier. My dad said to me a few days before I knew it was going to happen, "I know that it hurts, but at least you know that you're alive." It's good to be alive, it's the living part that is rough. I've gotten to that point where I need Benadryl to sleep through the entire night, and I can't eat much food because I have developed this horrible bout of indigestion because of all of the crying and being stressed out these past few days. Once this phase is over, I hope that it will be a bit better. Lord knows how much I miss eating veggies and fruits without wanting to vomit. It's not pleasant.

I keep seeing him everywhere around campus, which is also making this harder for me. At least I've lowered my amount of crying per day from at least five hours to maybe one and a half. I saw him three times today and did not cry. I am sort of proud of myself for keeping my cool in public. Also, he looks pretty darn sad and lonely. He ate lunch by himself in the cafeteria today by the exit/tray return. I wanted to console him, but I know that it's not my job anymore. I mean, I wish that we could go through this together, but, that's completely impossible and I understand it. I may not like it, but I definitely understand it. It kind of comforts me to know that this is breaking his heart as well as my own. We caught each others' gaze a few times and I could definitely see the aching that was going on in his mind because, well, I just understand him from spending so much time with him.

I think that's why some people don't get along with him as well as others, because they don't understand the way he thinks or why he says things. I know that his mind is running at about one hundred and fifty miles a minute and that he just says things that come to his mind so that he doesn't forget them in the meantime. If he doesn't say it then, chances are, he may forget. That is why I always asked questions of him, so that he could get a chance to clarify his point and discuss what he wanted to say without feeling like someone was judging him or helping him to refine the essence of what he was saying. I'm not sure that he realized that while we were dating. I would always ask questions not because I didn't understand what he was saying, but because I wanted him to realize how he was saying what he was saying so he could be able to censor it before he told other people.

I appreciated him for his honesty. I still do. If we ever can be able to become friends again, which I still want to try, I want him to continue to know how much I appreciate him. He is always surprised when a person likes him or compliments him because he hasn't had as much positive reinforcement as most people have had. He's always felt kind of pushed to the side and is just now being able to rejoice in the joys of friendship and all of the wonderful things that it brings to life.

I also keep hurting myself by doing this, but I have been doing it anyway. I have been asking people if they think that we could ever be together again based on what they saw of our relationship. Everyone keeps saying, there is a huge possibility but that I shouldn't dwell on it, which is hard considering I'm still in the first week of separation. I felt like we had a great connection. We had such a healthy relationship, we were happy together, we were so close to each other. I miss the emotional closeness. I miss having that person that I am closer to than most anyone else coming to my rescue and making me happier even when I don't want to think about anything but sadness. He helped me through probably the roughest summer of my life. He helped me when I was sick, which was for two months straight basically, he comforted me every time I was sad, and he always apologized even if he said the least hurtful thing. If he knew it had bothered me, he felt complete and total remorse. Such honesty and genuine feeling is hard to come by sometimes because being completely open is hard to do. He gave me all that he could of himself, of this, I am sure. I did the same thing for him. I would continue to do the same thing for him if we were to ever date again, because, I've never met anyone more compatible to my crazy in all of my life.

He always put up with my ridiculous and thought I was hilarious when I even thought that I was the most obnoxious. That, my friends, is hard to come by. He loved me at my worst and at my best, and would have done anything short of sawing off his own limbs to make my life perfect and warm and filled with love and happiness. I'll miss it. Hopefully I'll have it again, but, I need to not get my hopes up. Which, is going to be the most difficult thing I might try to do since I can remember. I still love him.