Breakups

I have never fallen in love before Will. Will was, up until this past Tuesday, my boyfriend, and is still the love of my life. He once said that every person has that one boyfriend or girlfriend that they think of as, "the one that got away," and I definitely think that for me, it will probably be him. I've gone over why this happened over and over again in my head. I've gone over all of my favorite moments of the relationship, and even the not so good moments. His smile lit up my life, and I'm sure that once I'm okay to talk to him again, it will continue to do so for a long time.

It's hard letting go of someone that you know still loves you who you love as well. I know that it's hard for him, and that there will be many awkward moments as we try to learn how to be friends instead of lovers, but I want to be able to do that so badly. You know, he even mentioned that maybe we could try it again once I get back from study abroad... I don't know yet whether that will make this process more difficult or not, but I am sure that I will cling to the hope for as long as I still have such passionate feelings toward him. I think the things that I will miss the most include those times where we were comforting to each other or the times when we woke up in each others arms and talked about how much we loved and appreciated each other in our lives. I wish I could have had more time. But, I know that wishing does nothing but leave me feeling like I could have done more to make him not only want me in his life, but make him need me enough to keep me around. It sounds silly, but of course, that is what I'm thinking about.

Part of me thinks that while he says that he doesn't need a relationship in his life right now because he has so many things going on, that he will miss me. I hope that he misses me. I also think that he is scared about how quickly and easily we fell in love with each other. I don't think that either one of us expected how natural it would be. That is why I thought that maybe we would spend a longer amount of time together. I also think that he was afraid about how hard it would be to be away from me for so long while I was abroad. It would have been hard, but I would have done whatever it took to keep the relationship healthy and thriving.

Everyone keeps telling me how wonderful of a person I am, and that they love me. It's nice to hear those things, but it's also saddening in a way because it makes me wonder, "Why, if everyone thinks that I'm so marvelous, does he not need me in his life right now? Will he change his mind? How many people will he confide in and tell what he is truly feeling?" I've also been thinking about a futureme e-mail I sent him. It's where you can write an e-mail and send it to the future. It's slated to arrive in his mailbox on October 30th. I know that I should warn him about it, and I probably will, but I wonder if he'll read it... I wonder if he will feel emotions of love and loss if he does read it. I hope that he does, but I cannot make him do anything that he doesn't want to do...or else we might still be dating. Although, I know that it was probably going to happen sooner or later before I went abroad, but I was hoping for later. He was the stronger of the two of us in the end, he knew what needed to happen, as did I, and yet he had the better will. He knew that one of us had to do it.

It was so strange right after it happened. We hugged each other and kissed each other and told each other how much we loved each other. We talked about hope for the future, and he asked me if we could try to be friends before I went abroad so that we could talk about our lives. Hopefully that friendship can turn back into a relationship, at least, that is what I want right now. Who knows how I will feel ten months from now when we are reunited? There are just too many things running through my mind right now. I'm afraid to go abroad. I had the opportunity in high school to do it too, but I never took that chance because I'm afraid to be away from the people who support me the most in life. I'm afraid of being alone. Here I am, signed up, but as the date gets closer, the less I want to go. I know that everyone would tell me that I would be wasting such a great opportunity, but I don't even know that I want to continue studying french after I get my bachelor's.

This break up as caused me to question so much more about my life. These were the things I would usually talk to Will about, but now I am spreading my questions to more people, which is probably a good thing, but it's still difficult to do because I want him to be the one to guide me the most. He was always good at talking things out with me and helping me to realize what choice was the right one for me. I'm so afraid to go. I don't even want to go. I want to take a summer course in french and just be done with it. I've already started the process though, so I should just jump and see what happens. I know that I'll be an emotional wreck when I get on the plane bound for goodness knows what. Hopefully I'll get back and senior year will be fabulous and I'll know what I want from life, but that cannot be guaranteed to me. Nothing is really guaranteed.

At the beginning of the semester Will told me that he wanted to just take a break when I went abroad so that we could both have one more time to be apart before we committed to each other, really committed to each other. We even talked about finding grad schools in similar locations so that we could continue to be together. But now, I know that I may not even go to grad school because I don't know what I want to do, and that I will probably not be close to him after next year. It's sad to think about, but I guess it's just a natural thought progression at this stage.

I love him, but I've lost him. I want to be his friend so badly. I want to tell him that he still hasn't given me my birthday present, and that even though we're no longer together, that he still owes it to me, or else I'll keep his pillow hostage. (I forgot to give it to him. The only item I forgot. Luckily enough for me, my roommate hid it from me until I'm ready to give it back face-to-face. She's given me so much support. She even let me sleep in her bed last night. I am so lucky) I want to tell him that he owes me nine dollars for the wall hangers he had me buy for him, or that I want to give him one of my woodcut prints, or that his latest sculpture is magnificent and creative, or ask about his family, or his life in general. I need to accept that we are not going to be together before I can do all of those things, but hopefully, sooner rather than later, I will have the strength. Hopefully, I will have battled hard enough with myself and my emotions to be able to conquer the beast that is breaking my heart right now, and I will be able to be his friend. I love him.