Perspective

It's Monday, so, six days? Either way, my heart has stopped physically hurting, and I am starting to be able to eat and sleep more, even if my dreams are filled with Will. You know, love is sort of like a dream. It's a magical place to live. It has been hard for me to realize this, but I think that it will help me heal: If it is meant to be between me and Will, then it will happen. If not, then that is okay too, I just cannot try and force anything. I cannot dwell because I have no idea what will happen in ten months when we are reunited for our senior years.

I have so much thinking to do. I'm starting to tell myself that it is imperative that I go abroad, and have told myself that there are no other options. Hopefully that will make my time left here more bearable and happy. I know that I probably would not have been able to have gotten on the plane if I had still been dating Will. I would have given up that opportunity to foster more love, which probably would have ruined it in the end. It's starting to dawn on me that maybe this happened for a reason, and that I just need to go with the flow and try not to focus on this, but the other tasks at hand. I need to fill out paperwork, make sure everything is in order so that I can have this experience in Switzerland. While I may not love being single, maybe this is a time for me to grow and learn and experience without worrying about how my boyfriend is doing.

I need to figure out what I'm going to do next year. Am I going to apply for graduate schools even though I have no idea what I want to do anymore? Am I going to start looking for a job so that I can take a year off so I can be absolutely sure that I get the most out of my graduate school experience? Can I be independent and figure out who I am as a person again? Can I figure out what I'm passionate about again? I know that I love people, but what can I do to make sure that I get a job that allows me to have an enriching experience with people every day? There are so many things that have been left unanswered. I have been given a chance to explore my life, myself, and my relationships with my friends and family.

So many people have come to my rescue, have tried to console me, given me advice when I ask for it, given me a shoulder to lean on. Last night I just sat and watched a movie with two of my friends and that made me feel better. I had hope that I could get over this and start really living again. That I may find love again in the future if I stop worrying and let it happen naturally. Maybe I wasn't ready for such a serious relationship either. Maybe I didn't want to admit to myself that even though I am so in love with this person, I cannot be with them. It is not time for me to be with them. I can only hope that I will continue to tell myself, "If it is meant to happen, it will. If not, then it's going to be just fine." I will have to tell myself hundreds of times a day, but I am going to commit to it.

I'm giving him a letter tomorrow. I don't think that direct communication is right for me at the moment. I think that I need to slowly ease back into having him into my life. I think that he could continue to be a positive influence in my life even though we're not together anymore, and vice versa. I still love him, but I'm going to be okay. He is going to be okay. I have to cultivate my own life right now or else I could fall into sadness. I don't want or need that. I need clarity and the time to figure myself out. I think I can do this.

I still love you Will.