Truckin'

As far as Will goes, I'm moving on and forward. I'm keepin' on truckin' down the road. I've been on a few more dates with the same guy, and it always surprises me how well he treats me, and how easily we get along. Granted, we've been friends for a year now, so we know each other, but it's different in that kind of setting. Especially when you've always known that other person as just a friend and nothing more. Whatever is going on with him, I like it, and I appreciate it. There's nothing better than having someone you really like make you feel like you're wonderful.

In other news, I had a run-in with Ian last night. I was at a friend's party off-campus. All of a sudden, I saw him come in and look at me and smile. He walks right next to me and looks at me as if there is nothing wrong with what is going on in the situation. My first instinct was to punch him in the face, but I think that I was too shocked to actually make a move. Plus, that would not have been the right thing to do. My friends admitted that they wanted to punch him too, and I'm glad they didn't. Things could have gotten out of control. My next reaction: to go and talk to my friends Desh and Calvin about it and have him removed. (Overall, I think that was a better thing to do over the punching.) Then I started crying because of the emotions that had re-emerged after having seen him. My friends rushed to my aid. Desh took me aside to a place where no one could see me and just held me as I sobbed into his arms. It was so comforting. He was so kind, and he didn't judge me for breaking down like that. He stood there and said that everything was going to be okay and that he and all of the rest of my friends there would make sure that nothing bad would happen to me. Even if that meant that someone had to forcibly remove Ian from the premises. Being shown unconditional love and protection by your friends is one of the greatest joys in the whole world. I really couldn't ask for anyone better.

I'm not excited about studying abroad yet, but I'm not as scared as I was before. I've been going to counseling, and that has helped, I think. She's very encouraging and says that I'm taking big steps and shouldn't be too discouraged that I'm feeling really anxious. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. It's definitely easier that way. Also, I would like to mention that Harry Potter 7's first installment is coming out on Thursday! I'm excited and rarin' to go to that movie. It's like my childhood is slowly coming to a close...

A Date

On Sunday, I had a date. I didn't put that in the last post because I was still in shock about the whole situation. I was kind of taken aback at the fact that someone wanted to make me dinner and hang out with me even though I've been way off balance lately. It was so refreshing, and also, quite hilarious. The guy was really nervous about the whole thing. I was nervous too, but I didn't let it show because I was laughing too hard at him scrambling around and losing his words mid-sentence. Pobrecito. Either way, I had a really nice time, and it helped to make me realize that there are other people out there who can and want to treat me better. I'm not saying that Will didn't treat me well, it's just that he only made big gestures, not small ones. I think the small gestures count more than the large-scale projects.

I'm excited to see where my life takes me right now. I'm extremely busy with schoolwork and life-work, but in the end, it will all be worth it. When you're sad and feel alone, you can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm starting to see it, and good things are starting to happen in my life again. I sacrificed too much to continue being in that relationship with Will because I wanted to be happy. Wanting to be and actually being happy are two entirely separate things; sometimes it's difficult for me to differentiate between the two because I get too caught up in my own emotions or desires. Living is always a work in progress, and I'm definitely still working and improving upon myself because I am definitely not perfect. But, that's okay with me as long as I continue to strive to be a good person.

Timing

It has taken me a while, but I've finally realized that I wasn't as happy in my relationship with Will as I had convinced myself that I was. I think it was because it was the first time that I had been in love. Either way, I'm glad that I have admitted it to myself, and can finally move on in my life and not necessarily let go, but get back to really being happy. This weekend was such a wake up call on so many different levels. My brother and I hung out for a little bit yesterday and he asked about how Will was doing and whether or not we were still dating. I told him he broke up with me about a month ago, and he got all riled up and said, "What?! Why?" I explained it to him and he laughed and replied, "That is ridiculous. He's got something wrong with him." It made me feel kind of good to know that Taylor thought someone was being ridiculous for breaking up with me. My brother thinks I'm a good person! haha. I mean, I knew that he thought that, it's just nice to hear it spoken out loud. He loves me.

I'm going to see a counselor on Wednesday, and I'm so excited about it. I had a dream about Ian the other night, but it wasn't one where I was the victim trying to save my life. I don't really like the thought of me being violent, but he tried to attack me and I disarmed him and had him arrested. It was so invigorating to have that kind of control over my own life. Even though I'm starting to have more positive dreams, I still know that I need help. It's hard to admit it to myself, but there is no way that I can handle this all by myself. It's good that I'm going. It is going to be a great day.

Growing?

I feel like even though we're apart, I'm still loving him as if we were together, except, there's this weird brick wall in between us. Usually when I break up with someone, I immediately realize how wrong they were for me, and add up their faults until I can't or don't want to count them anymore. All I can think of is how good he was, and it's ridiculous. How is it possible that I'm continuing to love him? He's still charming to me. I still laugh at his jokes and find him to be ridiculous but terribly endearing at the same time. I miss him. Today was oddly difficult for me. Maybe it was because I woke up at five to alleviate my bladder because I drank a bowl sized cup of tea before bed and had just enough time to think about him so that he showed up in the rest of my dreams?

I'm glad that I get to go home this weekend. I may be busy, but I think it will be comforting to get to be in my hometown to watch a football game and do who else knows what. It is imperative that I find some new woodcut tools and finish my paperwork so I can get my ISEP and VISA applications sent off on Monday. I don't want to turn into one of those irresponsible and unprepared people. Life is starting to get busy again, which means that I have more distractions, and I like the change. Although, the down time has been throwing my Will-lessness into sharp focus because of all of the activities. I want him in my life. Does that seem needy? Maybe so...I'll work on it while trying to keep everything in balance.

Will,

You are goofy, but I love it, and you. The pumpkin you carved for Fellowship tonight was impressive, I liked the individual teeth the most. Would you show me your aluminum casting when you're finished with it? It sounds like a really interesting project. I hope you have a good weekend, and that the philosophy lecturer tells you interesting things tomorrow at lunch. When you are comfortable hanging out with me again, please let me know. Being patient is hard, but I know that it will be rewarding in the end.

Much love and many hugs,
Lauren

"I Have to Admit, it's Getting Better..."

I slept until seven this morning! What a miracle. My body has finally decided that enough is enough and that I need to sleep past 5:40 in the morning. I am extremely grateful for the past two days. Although, last night, all I dreamed about was Will. I woke up feeling great, feeling absolute love, feeling contentment and hope. Then I realized, oh, Lauren, you're being ridiculous...You are not still dating Will. I have never missed a person more than I have missed Will in these past few weeks. I wonder if he knows? I'm sure that he does. I am almost one hundred percent certain that he misses me too. But, he does have the ability to forget about things if they're not right in front of him. I envy that. I want to be able to just shut off a certain thought when I don't enjoy it being in my brain. If he's forgotten, I'll be disappointed. I'm sure he hasn't, but I do wish that he would e-mail me or text me or call me to say that he's ready. This whole being patient thing is difficult at times.

I need to simply sit back and relax, and wait. If I wait, something wonderful could happen, I could regrow a friendship. I could start mending my heart, not completely because I don't actually have closure from all of this, but it could start to really get better. I keep telling myself, we're broken up, there are no absolutes here, but that doesn't actually give me closure. It just makes me calm down and continue to love. I know that the love will fade bit by bit every day, but it's hard to see when it's happening to me because I am myself. I can't look at myself after months and realize the differences because I went through the change. It's possible, I guess, but not simple. I really have to be introspective. I'll try and look back when school gets out at the end of the semester. I think that keeping this blog will help me to do that. Each post is a small reminder that each day I'm slightly different than the day before.

Changes come, and hopefully those changes will lead me back to the boy that I love. I know that we're broken up, he knows that we're broken up. It's not a break, but the glimmer of hope at the end of this dark, dank tunnel has not gone out yet. Even if the relationship does not reappear, maybe a friendship will. I'll hope for that.

Dear Will,

Keep getting better please so that I can finally talk to you again. Every time I see something that I know you enjoy, it just frustrates me because I want to show you what I've found. I want to make you happy. Let's be friends, yes?

I love you,
Lauren

Finally

Yesterday was an all-around good day. The weather was nice, I only had to do a sketch for homework, I got lots of time with my friends, work wasn't too boring, I had a good dinner (it was mediocre food, but the company was great), I got to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up only five minutes before my alarm, and I decided to be the Incredible Hulk for Halloween. People were commenting on how much happier I seemed to be yesterday. I felt good, and just lived my life. One of my friends said that while she was watching me in the cafeteria that she wished that she could live through my eyes, or something to that effect. Apparently I'm fascinating to watch? I took it as a compliment.

I even had dinner with Will, by accident- it seems to be happening more frequently than I expected, and we joked around with each other. I felt like we were having a nice, easy-going conversation. Our friendship is slowly budding again. I mean, I knew there would be awkward patches, but it gave me a good feeling to be able to laugh around him and with him again. It's nice to know that even if we can't be together, we can still have that kind of connection.

Today I realized that I have much more to do for my VISA than anyone had told me before. I went to ask questions about it today, and the lady who worked in the office was pretty uneducated about everything. It was quite obnoxious. I think I have it under control though. One step at a time. While I awoke today to rain, it has turned out to be pretty okay as well. It was the last day of house sitting, I got an A on my second art project, I got good reviews on my sketch for my next project, I got some movies in the mail, and I think I'm going to have time to work-out tonight. I still get excited to see Will around campus, and I still get that feeling of love, it's getting better every day. I don't think about him every second, and can focus more on other things. It's great.

Hello Will,

I'm glad that we got to talk at dinner last night. It made me feel good, especially after Saturday. Your smile never fails to make me happy in life. I hope you had as good of a day as I did fella. Keep in touch.

Love,
Lauren

Or Not Sleeping

I had a terrible night's sleep even though I worked out extra hard and went to bed late so that I could be exhausted. I woke up at 5:40 again. I'm starting to get frustrated with this whole ordeal. There is no one up at 5:40 in the morning, and really nothing for me to do because nothing is open at that time. Plus, this morning I had to work at a local church's nursery at 7 in the morning until noon. I had fun at work, but I could barely keep my eyes open. I wish I could just sleep. Maybe it was the hanging out with the same group of people as Will last night that did the damage. I could tell that being around me made him feel sad, but it was either hang out there or by himself, so he chose to be where I was. He said that he sat in his room for the whole day waiting for someone to call or text. I would have if we were on close terms again. I want him to have friendship in his life. I feel like he's struggling with it because he's afraid to get hurt. I want him to step up and put himself out there and not drown his sorrows in his own mind.

I'm going to miss him when I'm away. I miss him now. I feel like he's purposefully holding back on talking to me, even though he wants to...I wish this could be easier for him. It might start to wear on me soon. I love this boy, you know? Other than that, the only thing bothering me is my french teacher, but that's pretty much a constant in my life. I just have to keep telling myself that after I go abroad, I probably won't have to take another class with her again. So joyous! I'm going to go study for our midterm tomorrow. Wish me luck with the sleeping tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be prepared and my passport will have come in so that I can get myself a VISA.