Longing

My dad just came for a short visit to see me. It was really nice of him to drive two and a half hours only to spend a few minutes with me, and I appreciate his thoughtfulness. It was quite the surprise as well. It was nice to just have him here for a little while, even though I wish he could be here every day to help guide me. Especially since I've been feeling very lost and lonely lately, even when so many people are around here to comfort me. I don't know what to do to make the hurt go away. Everyone says that time is the healer, but I'm definitely one of those people who clings to emotions, which will probably get me into trouble in this situation. I just have to try and perservere through the pain and continue to live life as normally as possible...otherwise I could end up sabotaging lots of things that could be wonderful in my life.

I still think I would do it over again. I want to do it over again. I want to be able to feel his touch, to kiss his cheek, to see how he's doing. It's a good thing that I had my roommate delete his phone number out of my cellular device, or else I know that I would have texted him today. It would have been bad, but I would have done it anyway, just to connect to him in some small, insignificant way. I know that it would have ruined what I've started working for, healing. It would have made us both take steps in the wrong direction, I would have hurt so terribly to know that even though we were both thinking about each other, nothing could be done right now to get back what we had together.

I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up over and over again after having dreams about him throughout the night. At least my roommate accidentally left on the t.v. so I had something to listen to to help me go back to sleep. Right now we're house sitting for one of our professors, so we're staying in his house at night. It's really difficult because that was the place where I first told him that I loved him. He came over, even though he was exhausted, to come and watch a movie with me. I told him we didn't have to, but he insisted because he wanted to spend some time together before he had to go to bed. So, we popped in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I enjoyed the movie, and he laid his head in my lap and fell asleep. When the movie ended, he had me lay down next to him and face him. He held me close and kissed my face. I asked him if he wanted to hear a secret. He said yes. I said, "I love you." He hugged me tighter and I felt his heart beat faster. As he left, he brought me close and looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you too Lauren." It was such an exhilarating moment for me. It was so scary because I knew that this might not last, but also because I'd never been in love before. I'd never had anyone have such deep feelings for me that I wanted to return. It felt so magnificent I wanted to burst into a thousand pieces.

So, as I sat on the couch yesterday while watching Law and Order, I cried my heart out. It was gut wrenching to be back there, to know that we had first proclaimed our love for each other there, to know that we had slept there together because my car was broken during the summer and he drove me to work. He would wake up next to me and get all excited and would want to cuddle up close to me, ask that I be his big spoon, tell me that this was his favorite part of the day. I loved waking up next to him as well. It's so comforting, and plus it's nice to know that someone wants to sleep next to you because it makes them feel happier to be alive. I felt more alive when I was around him. He just had this way of bringing out the best in me.

Today I've been pondering whether or not I was a good girlfriend to him. I know that no one is perfect, and that a relationship cannot be perfect because of our humanity, but it can get pretty close. It can bring a more profound beauty into life. Either way, I know that even though I think that I could have been better to him, I know that I did everything I could to make his life as best as it could be while I was allowed to share time with him. It's so strange that love isn't automatically a two-way street. It takes work, time, care, and two people who are compatible and willing to be vulnerable enough to take the risk and to truly be in love with each other. We took that risk, but I'm not sure that he was completely ready for what he found out. It only takes one person to end a relationship, but it takes two people to really be in love. I know that I'm going to need lots of help in not trying to contact him until the two weeks are up. I'm so tempted. I am weak in that way right now. Who could blame a girl?

Our relationship may not have been perfect, I may not have been perfect, he may not have been perfect, but it worked so well that I continue to ask myself what went wrong. Of course, nothing really went wrong, but he does need that time to find out who he is and what he wants from life before he can truly commit to anyone. I need that time as well. I've found that out after this breakup...that I don't really know what I want out of life, that I'm more lost than everyone thought I was. While I don't necessarily want to go to Switzerland, maybe I need that distance to find out more about myself, to experience something that will teach me the things that I have no clue about. I guess that he knew me better than I knew myself again. I think that he knew how lost I was, and how lost he was, and that we both needed to take a step back and look at what was around us in order to be able to really love each other. I just hope that what we find out in the end is that we know what we want, and one of the things that we want is to be together again.

I'll dream, but I know that I cannot allow myself to hope too much, or else I'll have a much harder time than I need to be having.

Dear Whale,
I love you.