Slowly

Slowly but surely I am having to come to the realization that Will and I are no longer together. It's taken a while for it to fully hit me, but I think that it finally has. On Tuesday, we met briefly and talked and he gave me a letter. It said a lot of things that I already knew, but didn't want to admit to myself. It also said things that I loved and will cherish. It means so much to me that he would hand write that letter to me because he usually just types things up. He has to type things out before he puts it down in writing, so it takes him twice as long to do it that way.

Basically, we're talking again. We're not calling or texting each other, but we've had dinner and lunch together this week, and we talked for a bit last night when we were both out and about saying hello to our friends. It's strange and satisfying to see that we're both healing. That we both hope right now that we will change during these next ten months in a way that will allow us to be together again. We must not cling to that hope though, is what we've both realized. If we're going to be friends, we have to be friends not because we want to fall in love again one day, but because we truly want to keep an honest friendship going. We both want to at least remain close even if we cannot be together.

I've never really wanted that after breaking up with someone. I felt like it was time to move away from that portion of my life once the breakup happened. This is so different and magical though. We care for each other not only as lovers, but as people. We brought light into each other's lives, and we've taught each other so much. In the letter, he mentioned that if he's learned one thing from me, it's to only make promises that you're absolutely sure you can keep. Which is why he didn't and cannot promise that we'll try again someday. I admire that. I feel such joy that I could instill that value in him, and that he recognizes that we helped each other grow. He's helped me so much. I know that I've already talked about it, but I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude. This summer could have broken my spirit if not for his presence in my life. He took care of me when I could not do it for myself, and when he needed me, I would do the same for him. It was a symbiotic relationship, to put it in the plainest terms.

I'm just glad that we're slowly funneling back into each other's lives after that week of silence. He said that it made him feel isolated and heartbroken as well. But, I'm positive that we needed to feel that in order to start rebuilding our friendship like this. It's amazing what the human heart and mind can feel without tearing the body apart. It bamboozles me quite often, actually, how much a person can feel without spontaneously combusting. I'm just glad that I've had a support system form around me and help me when I've needed it the most these past few days. I'm so thankful for everyone who has stepped in and comforted me or taken my mind off the pain. I'm still waking up at around 5:30-6:30 even when I go to bed late, which sucks, but I am keeping myself hopeful that I will be able to sleep through the night soon enough.

Dear Will,

I know that you'll never read this, but I just wanted to tell you again how much I love you, and how much I expect to continue loving you in the days to come. We may not ever have the same love between us, but I know that even if the day comes when we know that we will absolutely never be together again, that I will still cherish your presence in my life. I will still love you as a friend at least, because you are a beautiful person. You have become one of my biggest supporters and friends. Please keep being so insightful, because you know how much I appreciate the fact that you usually know what's best for me when I cannot see it for myself. It's ridiculous, but it's great.

I love you,
Lauren