"I Have to Admit, it's Getting Better..."

I slept until seven this morning! What a miracle. My body has finally decided that enough is enough and that I need to sleep past 5:40 in the morning. I am extremely grateful for the past two days. Although, last night, all I dreamed about was Will. I woke up feeling great, feeling absolute love, feeling contentment and hope. Then I realized, oh, Lauren, you're being ridiculous...You are not still dating Will. I have never missed a person more than I have missed Will in these past few weeks. I wonder if he knows? I'm sure that he does. I am almost one hundred percent certain that he misses me too. But, he does have the ability to forget about things if they're not right in front of him. I envy that. I want to be able to just shut off a certain thought when I don't enjoy it being in my brain. If he's forgotten, I'll be disappointed. I'm sure he hasn't, but I do wish that he would e-mail me or text me or call me to say that he's ready. This whole being patient thing is difficult at times.

I need to simply sit back and relax, and wait. If I wait, something wonderful could happen, I could regrow a friendship. I could start mending my heart, not completely because I don't actually have closure from all of this, but it could start to really get better. I keep telling myself, we're broken up, there are no absolutes here, but that doesn't actually give me closure. It just makes me calm down and continue to love. I know that the love will fade bit by bit every day, but it's hard to see when it's happening to me because I am myself. I can't look at myself after months and realize the differences because I went through the change. It's possible, I guess, but not simple. I really have to be introspective. I'll try and look back when school gets out at the end of the semester. I think that keeping this blog will help me to do that. Each post is a small reminder that each day I'm slightly different than the day before.

Changes come, and hopefully those changes will lead me back to the boy that I love. I know that we're broken up, he knows that we're broken up. It's not a break, but the glimmer of hope at the end of this dark, dank tunnel has not gone out yet. Even if the relationship does not reappear, maybe a friendship will. I'll hope for that.

Dear Will,

Keep getting better please so that I can finally talk to you again. Every time I see something that I know you enjoy, it just frustrates me because I want to show you what I've found. I want to make you happy. Let's be friends, yes?

I love you,
Lauren