Growing?

I feel like even though we're apart, I'm still loving him as if we were together, except, there's this weird brick wall in between us. Usually when I break up with someone, I immediately realize how wrong they were for me, and add up their faults until I can't or don't want to count them anymore. All I can think of is how good he was, and it's ridiculous. How is it possible that I'm continuing to love him? He's still charming to me. I still laugh at his jokes and find him to be ridiculous but terribly endearing at the same time. I miss him. Today was oddly difficult for me. Maybe it was because I woke up at five to alleviate my bladder because I drank a bowl sized cup of tea before bed and had just enough time to think about him so that he showed up in the rest of my dreams?

I'm glad that I get to go home this weekend. I may be busy, but I think it will be comforting to get to be in my hometown to watch a football game and do who else knows what. It is imperative that I find some new woodcut tools and finish my paperwork so I can get my ISEP and VISA applications sent off on Monday. I don't want to turn into one of those irresponsible and unprepared people. Life is starting to get busy again, which means that I have more distractions, and I like the change. Although, the down time has been throwing my Will-lessness into sharp focus because of all of the activities. I want him in my life. Does that seem needy? Maybe so...I'll work on it while trying to keep everything in balance.

Will,

You are goofy, but I love it, and you. The pumpkin you carved for Fellowship tonight was impressive, I liked the individual teeth the most. Would you show me your aluminum casting when you're finished with it? It sounds like a really interesting project. I hope you have a good weekend, and that the philosophy lecturer tells you interesting things tomorrow at lunch. When you are comfortable hanging out with me again, please let me know. Being patient is hard, but I know that it will be rewarding in the end.

Much love and many hugs,
Lauren

"I Have to Admit, it's Getting Better..."

I slept until seven this morning! What a miracle. My body has finally decided that enough is enough and that I need to sleep past 5:40 in the morning. I am extremely grateful for the past two days. Although, last night, all I dreamed about was Will. I woke up feeling great, feeling absolute love, feeling contentment and hope. Then I realized, oh, Lauren, you're being ridiculous...You are not still dating Will. I have never missed a person more than I have missed Will in these past few weeks. I wonder if he knows? I'm sure that he does. I am almost one hundred percent certain that he misses me too. But, he does have the ability to forget about things if they're not right in front of him. I envy that. I want to be able to just shut off a certain thought when I don't enjoy it being in my brain. If he's forgotten, I'll be disappointed. I'm sure he hasn't, but I do wish that he would e-mail me or text me or call me to say that he's ready. This whole being patient thing is difficult at times.

I need to simply sit back and relax, and wait. If I wait, something wonderful could happen, I could regrow a friendship. I could start mending my heart, not completely because I don't actually have closure from all of this, but it could start to really get better. I keep telling myself, we're broken up, there are no absolutes here, but that doesn't actually give me closure. It just makes me calm down and continue to love. I know that the love will fade bit by bit every day, but it's hard to see when it's happening to me because I am myself. I can't look at myself after months and realize the differences because I went through the change. It's possible, I guess, but not simple. I really have to be introspective. I'll try and look back when school gets out at the end of the semester. I think that keeping this blog will help me to do that. Each post is a small reminder that each day I'm slightly different than the day before.

Changes come, and hopefully those changes will lead me back to the boy that I love. I know that we're broken up, he knows that we're broken up. It's not a break, but the glimmer of hope at the end of this dark, dank tunnel has not gone out yet. Even if the relationship does not reappear, maybe a friendship will. I'll hope for that.

Dear Will,

Keep getting better please so that I can finally talk to you again. Every time I see something that I know you enjoy, it just frustrates me because I want to show you what I've found. I want to make you happy. Let's be friends, yes?

I love you,
Lauren

Finally

Yesterday was an all-around good day. The weather was nice, I only had to do a sketch for homework, I got lots of time with my friends, work wasn't too boring, I had a good dinner (it was mediocre food, but the company was great), I got to sleep at a reasonable hour and woke up only five minutes before my alarm, and I decided to be the Incredible Hulk for Halloween. People were commenting on how much happier I seemed to be yesterday. I felt good, and just lived my life. One of my friends said that while she was watching me in the cafeteria that she wished that she could live through my eyes, or something to that effect. Apparently I'm fascinating to watch? I took it as a compliment.

I even had dinner with Will, by accident- it seems to be happening more frequently than I expected, and we joked around with each other. I felt like we were having a nice, easy-going conversation. Our friendship is slowly budding again. I mean, I knew there would be awkward patches, but it gave me a good feeling to be able to laugh around him and with him again. It's nice to know that even if we can't be together, we can still have that kind of connection.

Today I realized that I have much more to do for my VISA than anyone had told me before. I went to ask questions about it today, and the lady who worked in the office was pretty uneducated about everything. It was quite obnoxious. I think I have it under control though. One step at a time. While I awoke today to rain, it has turned out to be pretty okay as well. It was the last day of house sitting, I got an A on my second art project, I got good reviews on my sketch for my next project, I got some movies in the mail, and I think I'm going to have time to work-out tonight. I still get excited to see Will around campus, and I still get that feeling of love, it's getting better every day. I don't think about him every second, and can focus more on other things. It's great.

Hello Will,

I'm glad that we got to talk at dinner last night. It made me feel good, especially after Saturday. Your smile never fails to make me happy in life. I hope you had as good of a day as I did fella. Keep in touch.

Love,
Lauren

Or Not Sleeping

I had a terrible night's sleep even though I worked out extra hard and went to bed late so that I could be exhausted. I woke up at 5:40 again. I'm starting to get frustrated with this whole ordeal. There is no one up at 5:40 in the morning, and really nothing for me to do because nothing is open at that time. Plus, this morning I had to work at a local church's nursery at 7 in the morning until noon. I had fun at work, but I could barely keep my eyes open. I wish I could just sleep. Maybe it was the hanging out with the same group of people as Will last night that did the damage. I could tell that being around me made him feel sad, but it was either hang out there or by himself, so he chose to be where I was. He said that he sat in his room for the whole day waiting for someone to call or text. I would have if we were on close terms again. I want him to have friendship in his life. I feel like he's struggling with it because he's afraid to get hurt. I want him to step up and put himself out there and not drown his sorrows in his own mind.

I'm going to miss him when I'm away. I miss him now. I feel like he's purposefully holding back on talking to me, even though he wants to...I wish this could be easier for him. It might start to wear on me soon. I love this boy, you know? Other than that, the only thing bothering me is my french teacher, but that's pretty much a constant in my life. I just have to keep telling myself that after I go abroad, I probably won't have to take another class with her again. So joyous! I'm going to go study for our midterm tomorrow. Wish me luck with the sleeping tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be prepared and my passport will have come in so that I can get myself a VISA.

Sleeping

I am about to sleep in my bed tonight for the first time since Will and I broke up. I hope it goes well, but who knows? It's hard for me to sleep in my own bed when I've been upset by something. I think I'll put on a movie to facilitate not thinking as I drift off into slumber. To everyone who keeps reading this blog: Thank you. To everyone who keeps listening to me when I need to talk: Thank you. Hanging out with the same people as Will tonight was emotionally draining because all I wanted to do was to hold his hand, and knowing that people are all over the world wanting me to feel better and thinking about me makes me feel great.

Dear Will,

I think you should talk to someone about how you're feeling. You've told me that you internalize your grief, but I think that in this instance, you need to reach out to your friends. I know that tonight you were just sitting in your room waiting for someone to text you, but you have to be proactive. Sitting and waiting is no good. I've tried it and nine times out of ten, it doesn't work. I hope that you enjoyed watching 30 Rock, Jessi says it's funny. I wouldn't know, I've been watching a few episodes of Castle and The Office. It's funny how we're both replacing the time that we would be spending together watching television shows to ease the pain. It's too bad that we can't do it together. I love you still. Good luck on your midterms next week. I hope that you have enough time to finish your project in the dark room. Keep me posted on when we can call each other again, because I'm missing hearing your voice everyday.

Love,
Lauren

Dreamer

It's become a part of the nightly ritual to only dream about Will. The dreams range from us getting back together and being extremely happy together, or him telling me that he's found someone else that he's fallen in love with. Each one stings in its own particular way. I think the one where we've gotten back together is a little worse though, because I wake up and want to text him, "Good morning sunshine! I hope you have a good day. Am I going to get to see you?" Or something to that effect. Each day is different. I miss him today, but thank goodness not with the same intensity as the first day. That was the worst.

Last night I went to Little Rock to see a friend, make dinner, and watch Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. It was such a great time. I needed the comfort of friendship and Harry Potter. It never fails that when I'm going through a rough time, I pick up Harry Potter or pop in Lord of the Rings. It's my style. Those things captivate me enough to make me forget about whatever else is going on in my life. Today, I have to finish filling out the ISEP and VISA paperwork though. I have to. I have to. I'll probably have to call in for back-up though. I only have half a clue as to what I'm doing. That's probably why I'm dreading getting started. I get frustrated filling out forms that I am not quite sure how to fill out, but know are imperative to my future life. We'll see how this goes.

Life keeps moving on, even when you want it to stop so that you can take a break. This next part won't make much sense unless you've read the BFG (Big Friendly Giant). You know how the giant catches dreams in jars? Well, I sometimes wish that I could have captured my most favorite moments with Will in jars. After we would part, I'd try and lock them away in my memory. What I should have done was kept a better journal of the time we spent together. BUT! No regrets. Now is not a time for regrets. It's a time to let myself wander and fill up my days. It is harder than you would think to fill up time. Most of my friends are so busy, that they don't even have time to hang out with anyone that isn't their roommate. It's ridiculous. I'm trying though. It's also hard because Will and I are trying to hang out with the same people. Yea, talk about a double conundrum.

I think I'll probably have to read that letter he gave me every day until I don't think about him all of the time. I like having his thoughts on paper for me to read over and over again. Right now, it's like my favorite story, except it's only an excerpt of it. The last few pages of the story that I can see clearly, while the rest of the book has been partially torn out or has coffee stains so I can only make out the gist of it. I love the gist of it. I also hate the gist of it, because I'm not sure if I'm getting everything right or not, and I want to be sure. The essence of everything is caught in the gist of it, and that is beautiful in its own way as well. The letter will remain close to my heart though. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me.

I'll end again with another note to Will:

Whale,

I hope that you're enjoying this fabulous fall weather today. It's gorgeous, and I wish that I didn't have so much work to do so that we could enjoy it together. Either way, I want you to enjoy your day, wherever you are. I'm sending you my love, and maybe you'll feel it, maybe you won't. I'm just glad to know that our friendship is going to continue to grow in the coming days, and I am excited to see where the wind may take us, together, and apart. As my mother would say, "Oh frabjous day!"

You're in my heart,
Bugaboo

Slowly

Slowly but surely I am having to come to the realization that Will and I are no longer together. It's taken a while for it to fully hit me, but I think that it finally has. On Tuesday, we met briefly and talked and he gave me a letter. It said a lot of things that I already knew, but didn't want to admit to myself. It also said things that I loved and will cherish. It means so much to me that he would hand write that letter to me because he usually just types things up. He has to type things out before he puts it down in writing, so it takes him twice as long to do it that way.

Basically, we're talking again. We're not calling or texting each other, but we've had dinner and lunch together this week, and we talked for a bit last night when we were both out and about saying hello to our friends. It's strange and satisfying to see that we're both healing. That we both hope right now that we will change during these next ten months in a way that will allow us to be together again. We must not cling to that hope though, is what we've both realized. If we're going to be friends, we have to be friends not because we want to fall in love again one day, but because we truly want to keep an honest friendship going. We both want to at least remain close even if we cannot be together.

I've never really wanted that after breaking up with someone. I felt like it was time to move away from that portion of my life once the breakup happened. This is so different and magical though. We care for each other not only as lovers, but as people. We brought light into each other's lives, and we've taught each other so much. In the letter, he mentioned that if he's learned one thing from me, it's to only make promises that you're absolutely sure you can keep. Which is why he didn't and cannot promise that we'll try again someday. I admire that. I feel such joy that I could instill that value in him, and that he recognizes that we helped each other grow. He's helped me so much. I know that I've already talked about it, but I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude. This summer could have broken my spirit if not for his presence in my life. He took care of me when I could not do it for myself, and when he needed me, I would do the same for him. It was a symbiotic relationship, to put it in the plainest terms.

I'm just glad that we're slowly funneling back into each other's lives after that week of silence. He said that it made him feel isolated and heartbroken as well. But, I'm positive that we needed to feel that in order to start rebuilding our friendship like this. It's amazing what the human heart and mind can feel without tearing the body apart. It bamboozles me quite often, actually, how much a person can feel without spontaneously combusting. I'm just glad that I've had a support system form around me and help me when I've needed it the most these past few days. I'm so thankful for everyone who has stepped in and comforted me or taken my mind off the pain. I'm still waking up at around 5:30-6:30 even when I go to bed late, which sucks, but I am keeping myself hopeful that I will be able to sleep through the night soon enough.

Dear Will,

I know that you'll never read this, but I just wanted to tell you again how much I love you, and how much I expect to continue loving you in the days to come. We may not ever have the same love between us, but I know that even if the day comes when we know that we will absolutely never be together again, that I will still cherish your presence in my life. I will still love you as a friend at least, because you are a beautiful person. You have become one of my biggest supporters and friends. Please keep being so insightful, because you know how much I appreciate the fact that you usually know what's best for me when I cannot see it for myself. It's ridiculous, but it's great.

I love you,
Lauren

Perspective

It's Monday, so, six days? Either way, my heart has stopped physically hurting, and I am starting to be able to eat and sleep more, even if my dreams are filled with Will. You know, love is sort of like a dream. It's a magical place to live. It has been hard for me to realize this, but I think that it will help me heal: If it is meant to be between me and Will, then it will happen. If not, then that is okay too, I just cannot try and force anything. I cannot dwell because I have no idea what will happen in ten months when we are reunited for our senior years.

I have so much thinking to do. I'm starting to tell myself that it is imperative that I go abroad, and have told myself that there are no other options. Hopefully that will make my time left here more bearable and happy. I know that I probably would not have been able to have gotten on the plane if I had still been dating Will. I would have given up that opportunity to foster more love, which probably would have ruined it in the end. It's starting to dawn on me that maybe this happened for a reason, and that I just need to go with the flow and try not to focus on this, but the other tasks at hand. I need to fill out paperwork, make sure everything is in order so that I can have this experience in Switzerland. While I may not love being single, maybe this is a time for me to grow and learn and experience without worrying about how my boyfriend is doing.

I need to figure out what I'm going to do next year. Am I going to apply for graduate schools even though I have no idea what I want to do anymore? Am I going to start looking for a job so that I can take a year off so I can be absolutely sure that I get the most out of my graduate school experience? Can I be independent and figure out who I am as a person again? Can I figure out what I'm passionate about again? I know that I love people, but what can I do to make sure that I get a job that allows me to have an enriching experience with people every day? There are so many things that have been left unanswered. I have been given a chance to explore my life, myself, and my relationships with my friends and family.

So many people have come to my rescue, have tried to console me, given me advice when I ask for it, given me a shoulder to lean on. Last night I just sat and watched a movie with two of my friends and that made me feel better. I had hope that I could get over this and start really living again. That I may find love again in the future if I stop worrying and let it happen naturally. Maybe I wasn't ready for such a serious relationship either. Maybe I didn't want to admit to myself that even though I am so in love with this person, I cannot be with them. It is not time for me to be with them. I can only hope that I will continue to tell myself, "If it is meant to happen, it will. If not, then it's going to be just fine." I will have to tell myself hundreds of times a day, but I am going to commit to it.

I'm giving him a letter tomorrow. I don't think that direct communication is right for me at the moment. I think that I need to slowly ease back into having him into my life. I think that he could continue to be a positive influence in my life even though we're not together anymore, and vice versa. I still love him, but I'm going to be okay. He is going to be okay. I have to cultivate my own life right now or else I could fall into sadness. I don't want or need that. I need clarity and the time to figure myself out. I think I can do this.

I still love you Will.

Longing

My dad just came for a short visit to see me. It was really nice of him to drive two and a half hours only to spend a few minutes with me, and I appreciate his thoughtfulness. It was quite the surprise as well. It was nice to just have him here for a little while, even though I wish he could be here every day to help guide me. Especially since I've been feeling very lost and lonely lately, even when so many people are around here to comfort me. I don't know what to do to make the hurt go away. Everyone says that time is the healer, but I'm definitely one of those people who clings to emotions, which will probably get me into trouble in this situation. I just have to try and perservere through the pain and continue to live life as normally as possible...otherwise I could end up sabotaging lots of things that could be wonderful in my life.

I still think I would do it over again. I want to do it over again. I want to be able to feel his touch, to kiss his cheek, to see how he's doing. It's a good thing that I had my roommate delete his phone number out of my cellular device, or else I know that I would have texted him today. It would have been bad, but I would have done it anyway, just to connect to him in some small, insignificant way. I know that it would have ruined what I've started working for, healing. It would have made us both take steps in the wrong direction, I would have hurt so terribly to know that even though we were both thinking about each other, nothing could be done right now to get back what we had together.

I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up over and over again after having dreams about him throughout the night. At least my roommate accidentally left on the t.v. so I had something to listen to to help me go back to sleep. Right now we're house sitting for one of our professors, so we're staying in his house at night. It's really difficult because that was the place where I first told him that I loved him. He came over, even though he was exhausted, to come and watch a movie with me. I told him we didn't have to, but he insisted because he wanted to spend some time together before he had to go to bed. So, we popped in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I enjoyed the movie, and he laid his head in my lap and fell asleep. When the movie ended, he had me lay down next to him and face him. He held me close and kissed my face. I asked him if he wanted to hear a secret. He said yes. I said, "I love you." He hugged me tighter and I felt his heart beat faster. As he left, he brought me close and looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you too Lauren." It was such an exhilarating moment for me. It was so scary because I knew that this might not last, but also because I'd never been in love before. I'd never had anyone have such deep feelings for me that I wanted to return. It felt so magnificent I wanted to burst into a thousand pieces.

So, as I sat on the couch yesterday while watching Law and Order, I cried my heart out. It was gut wrenching to be back there, to know that we had first proclaimed our love for each other there, to know that we had slept there together because my car was broken during the summer and he drove me to work. He would wake up next to me and get all excited and would want to cuddle up close to me, ask that I be his big spoon, tell me that this was his favorite part of the day. I loved waking up next to him as well. It's so comforting, and plus it's nice to know that someone wants to sleep next to you because it makes them feel happier to be alive. I felt more alive when I was around him. He just had this way of bringing out the best in me.

Today I've been pondering whether or not I was a good girlfriend to him. I know that no one is perfect, and that a relationship cannot be perfect because of our humanity, but it can get pretty close. It can bring a more profound beauty into life. Either way, I know that even though I think that I could have been better to him, I know that I did everything I could to make his life as best as it could be while I was allowed to share time with him. It's so strange that love isn't automatically a two-way street. It takes work, time, care, and two people who are compatible and willing to be vulnerable enough to take the risk and to truly be in love with each other. We took that risk, but I'm not sure that he was completely ready for what he found out. It only takes one person to end a relationship, but it takes two people to really be in love. I know that I'm going to need lots of help in not trying to contact him until the two weeks are up. I'm so tempted. I am weak in that way right now. Who could blame a girl?

Our relationship may not have been perfect, I may not have been perfect, he may not have been perfect, but it worked so well that I continue to ask myself what went wrong. Of course, nothing really went wrong, but he does need that time to find out who he is and what he wants from life before he can truly commit to anyone. I need that time as well. I've found that out after this breakup...that I don't really know what I want out of life, that I'm more lost than everyone thought I was. While I don't necessarily want to go to Switzerland, maybe I need that distance to find out more about myself, to experience something that will teach me the things that I have no clue about. I guess that he knew me better than I knew myself again. I think that he knew how lost I was, and how lost he was, and that we both needed to take a step back and look at what was around us in order to be able to really love each other. I just hope that what we find out in the end is that we know what we want, and one of the things that we want is to be together again.

I'll dream, but I know that I cannot allow myself to hope too much, or else I'll have a much harder time than I need to be having.

Dear Whale,
I love you.

I Know, Two Posts in One Day?!

"With you, I genuinely don't want to think of an end," Will Lentz

I once wrote a blog post about Will, but it made him feel uncomfortable to know that it was out there, so I deleted it. Since we're not dating anymore, I don't feel bad about re-posting it:

Will

I've been dating a boy lately. He tries really hard to make me happy, and I try really hard to understand what he's trying to do to make me happy while trying to do what I can to make him happy. Sometimes he says words that don't really make sense to me at first because they can be quite blunt and seemingly uncomplimentary, but I can usually look past the initial delivery and discover what he really wanted to say to begin with. More often than not, I find the delivery of his words to be endearing, and a unique charateristic that helps to define him. Either way, he's growing on me, and I am glad to be able to share some of my moments with him.

I live in a city not far from where I grew up, but since most of my friends from home go to college far away from where I live, the news that I have a new-ish boyfriend is still trickling through the ranks. Once someone finds out, there are two inevitable questions that follow: 1) How did you meet him?, and 2) What is he like?

Well, to the first question I say that he does not remember the first time we met, but the reason why he remembered who I was is a more entertaining story. During the first few months of my Sophomore year of college, I spent a whole lot of time with my new roommate. We have known each other since I was nine, so we've been friends for almost twelve years now. Anyway, he and my roommate are good friends, and he was abroad first semester in England. He kept up with my roommate by looking through her photos on the internet, and there were lots of us hugging and cuddling and such because we have been close friends for quite some time. My roommate was a lesbian, so naturally, since there were so many pictures of us hugging and holding hands with each other, he became curious and sent her a message asking about the "new girl" in her life. The two of us had quite the laugh at the whole ordeal, and once he returned from his travels abroad, we teased him about misinterpreting the photos. From then on, he certainly knew who I was, and I continue to playfully prod him about thinking that I was my roommate's girlfriend.

One of my favorite stories to tell when people ask me to tell them a little bit about Will involves tennis, whatever t-shirt he was wearing at the time, and the Wii. Will is a competitive sort of fellow and loves a good competition now and again. He is also quite outgoing and enjoys getting a group of people together to have a rootin' tootin' fun time. One weekend, on a blustry night, Will decided to have a potluck at his house, and since he goes to school in the same town he grew up in, it wasn't very hard to round up a group of people to share a meal. After we feasted on an ecclectic mixture of dishes, everyone decided to create a tournament out of Wii Tennis. Well, it was the final round, and Will was playing one of his good friends. Before they started, he took off his shirt, folded it, and set it on the coffee table. I asked what in the world he was doing, to which he replied, "Well, if I get really frustrated, I might take my shirt off and throw it in anger. So, I'm saving myself the trouble in case that happens." We all kind of stopped to giggle for a moment over his silliness. I don't really think that there is one story that could define him as a person, but this one sure highlights one of his more entertaining points.

I think it's fitting that my first post is about him because he endlessly fascinates and excites me. He is always surprising me in a fantastic sort of way, and I cannot wait to hear or see what comes next when he is around me. I am sure that in the future I will tell more stories about him as I continue to experience more with him.

Thought of the Day

So, today is day three? Who knows. Either way, the thought on my mind today is, "I wonder if he'll think he's made a mistake and try to get me back into his life?" I know, I know, this probably will not happen, but I think it's part of this natural, "My boyfriend broke up with me, I'm heartbroken," experience I'm going through right now. I've been talking to lots of my friends lately and most have been great, and some, not so much. I don't want or need to hear that he's not awesome or that I could do better, really, I'm still in love with him...It's only been a few days, and I know that I will always defend him because he was constantly really good to me, and for me.

I know that I don't need him in my life. I lived before I dated him, and I will definitely live for a good while after, but that doesn't make this easier. My dad said to me a few days before I knew it was going to happen, "I know that it hurts, but at least you know that you're alive." It's good to be alive, it's the living part that is rough. I've gotten to that point where I need Benadryl to sleep through the entire night, and I can't eat much food because I have developed this horrible bout of indigestion because of all of the crying and being stressed out these past few days. Once this phase is over, I hope that it will be a bit better. Lord knows how much I miss eating veggies and fruits without wanting to vomit. It's not pleasant.

I keep seeing him everywhere around campus, which is also making this harder for me. At least I've lowered my amount of crying per day from at least five hours to maybe one and a half. I saw him three times today and did not cry. I am sort of proud of myself for keeping my cool in public. Also, he looks pretty darn sad and lonely. He ate lunch by himself in the cafeteria today by the exit/tray return. I wanted to console him, but I know that it's not my job anymore. I mean, I wish that we could go through this together, but, that's completely impossible and I understand it. I may not like it, but I definitely understand it. It kind of comforts me to know that this is breaking his heart as well as my own. We caught each others' gaze a few times and I could definitely see the aching that was going on in his mind because, well, I just understand him from spending so much time with him.

I think that's why some people don't get along with him as well as others, because they don't understand the way he thinks or why he says things. I know that his mind is running at about one hundred and fifty miles a minute and that he just says things that come to his mind so that he doesn't forget them in the meantime. If he doesn't say it then, chances are, he may forget. That is why I always asked questions of him, so that he could get a chance to clarify his point and discuss what he wanted to say without feeling like someone was judging him or helping him to refine the essence of what he was saying. I'm not sure that he realized that while we were dating. I would always ask questions not because I didn't understand what he was saying, but because I wanted him to realize how he was saying what he was saying so he could be able to censor it before he told other people.

I appreciated him for his honesty. I still do. If we ever can be able to become friends again, which I still want to try, I want him to continue to know how much I appreciate him. He is always surprised when a person likes him or compliments him because he hasn't had as much positive reinforcement as most people have had. He's always felt kind of pushed to the side and is just now being able to rejoice in the joys of friendship and all of the wonderful things that it brings to life.

I also keep hurting myself by doing this, but I have been doing it anyway. I have been asking people if they think that we could ever be together again based on what they saw of our relationship. Everyone keeps saying, there is a huge possibility but that I shouldn't dwell on it, which is hard considering I'm still in the first week of separation. I felt like we had a great connection. We had such a healthy relationship, we were happy together, we were so close to each other. I miss the emotional closeness. I miss having that person that I am closer to than most anyone else coming to my rescue and making me happier even when I don't want to think about anything but sadness. He helped me through probably the roughest summer of my life. He helped me when I was sick, which was for two months straight basically, he comforted me every time I was sad, and he always apologized even if he said the least hurtful thing. If he knew it had bothered me, he felt complete and total remorse. Such honesty and genuine feeling is hard to come by sometimes because being completely open is hard to do. He gave me all that he could of himself, of this, I am sure. I did the same thing for him. I would continue to do the same thing for him if we were to ever date again, because, I've never met anyone more compatible to my crazy in all of my life.

He always put up with my ridiculous and thought I was hilarious when I even thought that I was the most obnoxious. That, my friends, is hard to come by. He loved me at my worst and at my best, and would have done anything short of sawing off his own limbs to make my life perfect and warm and filled with love and happiness. I'll miss it. Hopefully I'll have it again, but, I need to not get my hopes up. Which, is going to be the most difficult thing I might try to do since I can remember. I still love him.

Breakups

I have never fallen in love before Will. Will was, up until this past Tuesday, my boyfriend, and is still the love of my life. He once said that every person has that one boyfriend or girlfriend that they think of as, "the one that got away," and I definitely think that for me, it will probably be him. I've gone over why this happened over and over again in my head. I've gone over all of my favorite moments of the relationship, and even the not so good moments. His smile lit up my life, and I'm sure that once I'm okay to talk to him again, it will continue to do so for a long time.

It's hard letting go of someone that you know still loves you who you love as well. I know that it's hard for him, and that there will be many awkward moments as we try to learn how to be friends instead of lovers, but I want to be able to do that so badly. You know, he even mentioned that maybe we could try it again once I get back from study abroad... I don't know yet whether that will make this process more difficult or not, but I am sure that I will cling to the hope for as long as I still have such passionate feelings toward him. I think the things that I will miss the most include those times where we were comforting to each other or the times when we woke up in each others arms and talked about how much we loved and appreciated each other in our lives. I wish I could have had more time. But, I know that wishing does nothing but leave me feeling like I could have done more to make him not only want me in his life, but make him need me enough to keep me around. It sounds silly, but of course, that is what I'm thinking about.

Part of me thinks that while he says that he doesn't need a relationship in his life right now because he has so many things going on, that he will miss me. I hope that he misses me. I also think that he is scared about how quickly and easily we fell in love with each other. I don't think that either one of us expected how natural it would be. That is why I thought that maybe we would spend a longer amount of time together. I also think that he was afraid about how hard it would be to be away from me for so long while I was abroad. It would have been hard, but I would have done whatever it took to keep the relationship healthy and thriving.

Everyone keeps telling me how wonderful of a person I am, and that they love me. It's nice to hear those things, but it's also saddening in a way because it makes me wonder, "Why, if everyone thinks that I'm so marvelous, does he not need me in his life right now? Will he change his mind? How many people will he confide in and tell what he is truly feeling?" I've also been thinking about a futureme e-mail I sent him. It's where you can write an e-mail and send it to the future. It's slated to arrive in his mailbox on October 30th. I know that I should warn him about it, and I probably will, but I wonder if he'll read it... I wonder if he will feel emotions of love and loss if he does read it. I hope that he does, but I cannot make him do anything that he doesn't want to do...or else we might still be dating. Although, I know that it was probably going to happen sooner or later before I went abroad, but I was hoping for later. He was the stronger of the two of us in the end, he knew what needed to happen, as did I, and yet he had the better will. He knew that one of us had to do it.

It was so strange right after it happened. We hugged each other and kissed each other and told each other how much we loved each other. We talked about hope for the future, and he asked me if we could try to be friends before I went abroad so that we could talk about our lives. Hopefully that friendship can turn back into a relationship, at least, that is what I want right now. Who knows how I will feel ten months from now when we are reunited? There are just too many things running through my mind right now. I'm afraid to go abroad. I had the opportunity in high school to do it too, but I never took that chance because I'm afraid to be away from the people who support me the most in life. I'm afraid of being alone. Here I am, signed up, but as the date gets closer, the less I want to go. I know that everyone would tell me that I would be wasting such a great opportunity, but I don't even know that I want to continue studying french after I get my bachelor's.

This break up as caused me to question so much more about my life. These were the things I would usually talk to Will about, but now I am spreading my questions to more people, which is probably a good thing, but it's still difficult to do because I want him to be the one to guide me the most. He was always good at talking things out with me and helping me to realize what choice was the right one for me. I'm so afraid to go. I don't even want to go. I want to take a summer course in french and just be done with it. I've already started the process though, so I should just jump and see what happens. I know that I'll be an emotional wreck when I get on the plane bound for goodness knows what. Hopefully I'll get back and senior year will be fabulous and I'll know what I want from life, but that cannot be guaranteed to me. Nothing is really guaranteed.

At the beginning of the semester Will told me that he wanted to just take a break when I went abroad so that we could both have one more time to be apart before we committed to each other, really committed to each other. We even talked about finding grad schools in similar locations so that we could continue to be together. But now, I know that I may not even go to grad school because I don't know what I want to do, and that I will probably not be close to him after next year. It's sad to think about, but I guess it's just a natural thought progression at this stage.

I love him, but I've lost him. I want to be his friend so badly. I want to tell him that he still hasn't given me my birthday present, and that even though we're no longer together, that he still owes it to me, or else I'll keep his pillow hostage. (I forgot to give it to him. The only item I forgot. Luckily enough for me, my roommate hid it from me until I'm ready to give it back face-to-face. She's given me so much support. She even let me sleep in her bed last night. I am so lucky) I want to tell him that he owes me nine dollars for the wall hangers he had me buy for him, or that I want to give him one of my woodcut prints, or that his latest sculpture is magnificent and creative, or ask about his family, or his life in general. I need to accept that we are not going to be together before I can do all of those things, but hopefully, sooner rather than later, I will have the strength. Hopefully, I will have battled hard enough with myself and my emotions to be able to conquer the beast that is breaking my heart right now, and I will be able to be his friend. I love him.