Truckin'

As far as Will goes, I'm moving on and forward. I'm keepin' on truckin' down the road. I've been on a few more dates with the same guy, and it always surprises me how well he treats me, and how easily we get along. Granted, we've been friends for a year now, so we know each other, but it's different in that kind of setting. Especially when you've always known that other person as just a friend and nothing more. Whatever is going on with him, I like it, and I appreciate it. There's nothing better than having someone you really like make you feel like you're wonderful.

In other news, I had a run-in with Ian last night. I was at a friend's party off-campus. All of a sudden, I saw him come in and look at me and smile. He walks right next to me and looks at me as if there is nothing wrong with what is going on in the situation. My first instinct was to punch him in the face, but I think that I was too shocked to actually make a move. Plus, that would not have been the right thing to do. My friends admitted that they wanted to punch him too, and I'm glad they didn't. Things could have gotten out of control. My next reaction: to go and talk to my friends Desh and Calvin about it and have him removed. (Overall, I think that was a better thing to do over the punching.) Then I started crying because of the emotions that had re-emerged after having seen him. My friends rushed to my aid. Desh took me aside to a place where no one could see me and just held me as I sobbed into his arms. It was so comforting. He was so kind, and he didn't judge me for breaking down like that. He stood there and said that everything was going to be okay and that he and all of the rest of my friends there would make sure that nothing bad would happen to me. Even if that meant that someone had to forcibly remove Ian from the premises. Being shown unconditional love and protection by your friends is one of the greatest joys in the whole world. I really couldn't ask for anyone better.

I'm not excited about studying abroad yet, but I'm not as scared as I was before. I've been going to counseling, and that has helped, I think. She's very encouraging and says that I'm taking big steps and shouldn't be too discouraged that I'm feeling really anxious. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. It's definitely easier that way. Also, I would like to mention that Harry Potter 7's first installment is coming out on Thursday! I'm excited and rarin' to go to that movie. It's like my childhood is slowly coming to a close...

A Date

On Sunday, I had a date. I didn't put that in the last post because I was still in shock about the whole situation. I was kind of taken aback at the fact that someone wanted to make me dinner and hang out with me even though I've been way off balance lately. It was so refreshing, and also, quite hilarious. The guy was really nervous about the whole thing. I was nervous too, but I didn't let it show because I was laughing too hard at him scrambling around and losing his words mid-sentence. Pobrecito. Either way, I had a really nice time, and it helped to make me realize that there are other people out there who can and want to treat me better. I'm not saying that Will didn't treat me well, it's just that he only made big gestures, not small ones. I think the small gestures count more than the large-scale projects.

I'm excited to see where my life takes me right now. I'm extremely busy with schoolwork and life-work, but in the end, it will all be worth it. When you're sad and feel alone, you can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm starting to see it, and good things are starting to happen in my life again. I sacrificed too much to continue being in that relationship with Will because I wanted to be happy. Wanting to be and actually being happy are two entirely separate things; sometimes it's difficult for me to differentiate between the two because I get too caught up in my own emotions or desires. Living is always a work in progress, and I'm definitely still working and improving upon myself because I am definitely not perfect. But, that's okay with me as long as I continue to strive to be a good person.

Timing

It has taken me a while, but I've finally realized that I wasn't as happy in my relationship with Will as I had convinced myself that I was. I think it was because it was the first time that I had been in love. Either way, I'm glad that I have admitted it to myself, and can finally move on in my life and not necessarily let go, but get back to really being happy. This weekend was such a wake up call on so many different levels. My brother and I hung out for a little bit yesterday and he asked about how Will was doing and whether or not we were still dating. I told him he broke up with me about a month ago, and he got all riled up and said, "What?! Why?" I explained it to him and he laughed and replied, "That is ridiculous. He's got something wrong with him." It made me feel kind of good to know that Taylor thought someone was being ridiculous for breaking up with me. My brother thinks I'm a good person! haha. I mean, I knew that he thought that, it's just nice to hear it spoken out loud. He loves me.

I'm going to see a counselor on Wednesday, and I'm so excited about it. I had a dream about Ian the other night, but it wasn't one where I was the victim trying to save my life. I don't really like the thought of me being violent, but he tried to attack me and I disarmed him and had him arrested. It was so invigorating to have that kind of control over my own life. Even though I'm starting to have more positive dreams, I still know that I need help. It's hard to admit it to myself, but there is no way that I can handle this all by myself. It's good that I'm going. It is going to be a great day.